you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
