Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The air taste purple.
Randomize
