The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
