If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
try to milk me bitch
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