At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
