life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.