i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.