She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit