There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
