We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
