I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
