$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
