I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize