I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
