you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
