your parents love me but you hate me
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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