Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
