I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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