I hate your face
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
