I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
