Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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