Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
