Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
