listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
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I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.