My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
being pregnant is like rehab
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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