Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Im part way to drunk.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
