You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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