why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
