Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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