btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
