My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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