I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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