I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
