I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
