He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I wish there were birth control emojis
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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