One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
