Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
