Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I need water and some morals
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
