this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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