laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Found your dick twin last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
