Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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