And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
