My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
