Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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