Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
