Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
