proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.