She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses