Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The best revenge is premature balding
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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