I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
