No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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