Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
BRING THE BAGELS
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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