Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
