if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
