sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
