The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
