I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
